Attraction V.S. Craving (An Excerpt)

The hours passed slower than usual, but the workload proved constant and heavy. Between two client appointments, the filing that I had avoided the night before and the constant flood of inquiries from both employees and clientele, five hours passed sooner than I had expected. I hadn’t seen Maria since that morning and part of me wondered if our lunch was still intended.

I telephoned the front desk, “Alisa, have you gone to lunch yet?”

                “No, Ms. Kelly,” she replied. “It isn’t yet noon and we’re going together, right?”

                “Yes, yes.” I assured, “I know it isn’t 12, but I just wanted to be sure the time was set.”

                “Oh yes, the time is set unequivocally at noon.”

Despite the fifteen minutes to spare, when I hung up I powered down my laptop and searched for my iPhone. Five missed calls and three texts were all that awaited me, a relief considering the morning I’d had. I was actually relieved to have a moment outside of the office and looked forward to the impromptu lunch date. After grabbing my purse and blazer I was off to lunch with the girls.

Passing by Maria’s office, I was surprised to see that she was less aware of the time than I was. I tapped a polite knock on the door and she spilled in to apologies, “Ms. Kelly, I’m sorry. I really need to get this done. Jim in marketing wanted me to gather some testimonials to place on the website and I have all these submissions and I’ve only made it through half since yesterday…”

She apologized once more and exactly at the moment I knew it was coming she said, “You two go without me. I’ll try and catch up and if not I’ll find some way to make it up to you guys. I’m sorry.”

                Lessening the disappointment I said, “Not a problem. Sometimes things happen that we can’t anticipate.”

                I was set on returning to my desk and settling for the chips I had stowed in my desk, but Alisa caught me as I exited Maria’s office.

                “You ready?” She asked.

                Smiling I replied, “Sure am.”

I typically only engaged in business meetings, anything other than that had a tendency to spill in to my personal life. It was my firm belief that coworkers who invited other coworkers to lunch only wanted to gather information on how they conduct their private affairs. They pounced on the opportunity to gather information, no matter how minimal, so that they could spread toxic truths.

I expected the conversation to be light and awkward. A long hour of artificial smiles and dull conversation, yet it was not.

Alisa worked as my receptionist from day one of my practice launch, nearly two years ago and it was quickly brought to my attention how little I knew about her. I don’t mean in an invasive, tell me your business way, but on a surface level.

In addition to putting in ample hours at my practice she also mentored young girls and boys at a nonprofit lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender organization outside the city. Her golden tone emitted a profound glow when she spoke of them, almost as though they were her own children.

She was originally from Texas, but moved here for school six years ago and never left. She finished her degree a year ago which prompted me to ask, “You have your degree? Why are you still working at the practice?”

It was only after I voiced the question that I realized the mistake in asking. I’m her boss, why would she tell me the truth?

                Her hazel eyes met mine when she replied, “Well, to be honest Ms. Kelly. I like working for you. You trust me and I trust you. You gave me a key to the office my first month here, you trust that I’ll do my job and I trust you’ll keep me until I decide it’s best to pursue other opportunities. You’re a good boss, I have no intentions on leaving.”

                My smile stretched to my temples, “You know, I’ve wanted to get involved with some community work –“

                She interrupted my spoken thoughts as she beamed, broadcasting the cutest dimple, “Ms. Kelly you have to come with me one day! Those kids need a voice like you…”

                Thankful for the compliment, my conscious focused on an element more pressing. Cute dimple?, I thought. My analysis disturbed me. I had not once considered anything about Alisa the least bit attractive. Not to abate her beauty, but the opinion of her attractiveness alarmed me. It forced me to consider my attraction to her, however minimal.

                I agreed, “I will. Sometime soon.”

She continued speaking about the teenagers she counseled and the hardships they faced, being rejected by family and society. I pretended to follow, but I still combed through my thoughts.

                 As her lips coiled over her words, I realized I was overreacting. It is beyond possible to find someone attractive and not lust for them. Alisa was beautiful, equipped with all the physicality’s needed to satiate anyone's sexual desires. I regarded her as attractive, beautiful, yet I craved the touch of another. The realization pulled at the edges of my smile. I craved another woman, I craved Maria. 

When the check came I insisted on paying the bill, but in many respects whether I paid or she paid, the funding was still coming from my bank account somewhere in the hierarchy.

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-A. I. Lee