::Today brings healing::

I awake alone. This massive king size bed no longer conforms to the weight of two masses only one. Nor do the mattress springs moan from the doings of lovers. My bedroom is cold, devoid of the passionate heat which once radiated amidst these walls. A heat which rose from each embrace and tender kiss. A heat so intense no amount of heaters or blankets could reproduce.  A heat from two women. A heat from two lovers.

Once a retreat, now a prison. I am confined to these walls not because I am removed of the freedom to do so, but because here lies the memories I wish were alive and well. I chose to stay. I am my own captor.

Layered underneath three blankets, I jump each time the tips of my icy cold fingers make contact with my bare skin. When you were here, not once can I remember a frigid moment because your mere presence provided all the warmth I needed.

Today is the end of my lifelessness, today I can feel. Today is the end of constant tears and the start of acceptance of my misery. Despite its suggestion, misery brings with it an elusive light, representing the start of progress. I’m no longer burdened by hurt and victim to my heartbreak. I now can feel beyond the pain. As each second passes I know my heart is slowly stitching together the broken pieces you dismantled and neglected. I know I’m healing because my tears have finally emptied. I no longer cry when a stranger simply smiles and greets me. The redness from the strain of constant tears is now a blushing pink and the bags underneath my lashes have slowly deflated. My pillow for once is dry and yesterday I finally opened my curtains to view the clear day. You broke me, but now I’m moving towards healing.

The sky truly is beautiful today, yet….

I lay bare, buried underneath the covers. On my side, my attention is captivated by the beauty beyond my windowpane. Clouds as plush as cotton balls stroll by my bedroom window. Beckoning me to leave these walls of abandoned memories and let the sun envelop me. Happiness waits opposite these solid walls, but the weight of my misery won’t allow me the satisfaction of retreat.

I pull my arms nearer, hoping to retain my body heat. One arm folds in front of my breast and the other relaxes on my hip. A long sigh escapes me and I close my eyes just in case my tears seek to betray me. Today is a day of misery, but I refuse to succumb to tears. That time has passed and now I must heal. I occupy my thoughts with the sounds of birds and the visioning of the clouds I only moments ago admired, but even that delight can’t keep the thought of you at bay.

You seep into every thought and every object I see. Unwelcomingly you pierce my mind, just as you penetrated my heart only months prior. I wish you expelled, but despite my objection my body expresses an alternate request.

I enter disillusionment, thinking the arm which trails my side and rests on my hip is not my own, but yours. I allow myself to believe your leg is entwined between my own and not an inanimate object full of feathery down. I try to tell myself it’s not you who pulls my body closer to you, that I’m pushing against a body pillow. But instead I relax against your chest and nestle in your embrace. To be held by you is nearly the equivalent of your lips on mine.

I melt in your arms at the softness of your lips as they linger down my neck and kiss the curve of my shoulder. And as your hand slides down the arc of my hip, past my stomach and up the mound of my breast I exhale with anticipation. Cupping my bosom, you massage it slowly and center my nipple between your fingers. The sensation is heightening and as arousal intensifies, so does my breathing. Rolling and pinching you achieve erection, but still you continue to satisfy. Neglecting one nipple for instead the other, until both stiffen in arousal.

Expectantly I long to hear your exaggerated breathing, but I’m dismayed when I only register my own. Realization dawning, I end the sexual journey I’ve creatively conjured. Disappointed, yet proud of my desire and will to stop, I resist giving you such gratification. You will never be the source of an orgasm again. Not in life, not in memory, not in thought.

As I pull back the covers and toss my legs over the side of the bed, a smile pushes through my frown. Today I will sit under clear skies and clouds plush as cotton balls. Today is the start of misery, but today I am healing....